Zombie brides from planet ninja

It’s not hard to get an invite to a Yemeni wedding. I was hanging out after belly dancing class and someone said “hey, wanna go to a wedding?”

Sure! So I borrowed a sparkly top and some harem pants (yeah—I know) from a friend, slapped on some makeup and popped into the Doctors Without Borders party wagon. We made a slight detour on the way to buy some qat (more on that in later posts).

Before I describe my first impressions of the PAR-TAY, let me note that interacting with Yemeni women can depress your spirits. The streets in Yemen are full of two things:

1. Men
2. Ninjas

Most conversations and articles about what muslim women do/don’t/can/can’t/should wear bore the snot out of me. I care a lot more about Arab women’s employment opportunities than their fashion choices. But the Niqab is a killer. It’s hard to interact with women when you can’t see them grin, talk, or stick their tongues out at you. I would venture that 95+% of Yemeni women wear the full Niqab.

Does this picture show a) Lauren in a photoshopped niqab, or b) Darth Vader?

Yemeni weddings are segregated, which means that the NIQABS COME OFF. The reception hall was a shock of color. Drag queens could learn a thing or two from these girls. Outfits ran the gamut from short shorts and newsboy caps to gold sequin minidresses and everything in between. Short multi-tiered sherbet-colored cocktail dresses? Check. Long black and orangeish gown with inexplicable yellow feathers all over the place? Check. Skirt, bra, and utterly sheer cow-print mumu? Check. If RuPaul ever runs out of lamet I’ll know why.

Music was a mix of East and West. At one point I rushed over to join the electric slide but the music stopped before I got there.

About an hour after we got there, the hired dancers came out to perform. Dressed in pink robes, with matching pink niqabs, and pointy pink princess hats, they looked exactly like sparkling, bubblegum-hued Klansmen.

Not exactly what I'd choose for MY bridesmaids . . .

In any case, after their unimpressive performance, the bride made her entrance with the help of both smog and bubble machines, down a long catwalk in the center of the room. Her snail-like progress toward the sparkly princess sofa on the other side of the hall was fastidiously, excruciatingly documented by an earnest photographer lady. (They do indeed take photos, which are apparently shown only to family. Word on the street is that any strange women who make it into the photos are photoshopped out).

At this point the brides duty is, apparently, to sit on her throne and pose for photos. She does not get to dance or talk to anyone.

Also, she wears whiteface. Full forehead-to-chest makeup a good four shades lighter than her natural skin tone. How whack is that? ZOMBIE BRIDE IS COMING FOR YOU.

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One Response to Zombie brides from planet ninja

  1. hanan says:

    hahahah…. I kind of felt bad for the zombie bride, I mean she did her best, and payed lot of money to impress people and to look nice … Ok here is the thing she was a cheese cake, Yemeni men they like whit colored cheese cake so even if a girl is Brownie cake. she will try to look a bit like cheese cake
    ( in short way, men in Yemen likes very white girls )

    while in a lot of other countries the cheese cakes girls should change to brownie because men like the brownie more then cheese cake so they burn under the sun or artificial sun.

    nowadays in Yemen weddings, is more and less like a disco or club.
    You go there to dance, as you said the music is really loud, to get popular and for that, you should look nice unique more and less like a diva, and the most important part that Yemeni wading and club have in common is that they bring you a man ( a husband lover whatever we might call it 😀 )
    Yes single girls they go to a wading and the show themselves because in that aria there is some mother looking for a diva wife for their sons.

    For the bridesmaids, I am not really sure we could call them bridesmaids they are more and less a show girls because in last 5 years , Yemeni girls notice that weddings, is starting to get boring all the same so they have add a show part where the friends or relative of the bride could do anything to entreating the guests which is obviously the weddings, we went did not include you best theme.

    weddings in Yemen is not that romantic event, because love start after marriage.
    The weddings,it is a gathering a lot of people to tell that you are a brave person who decide to start a life and family with a person that mostly is unknown personalty sometime unknown face.

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